Promise yourself Self-Care and Self-Love!

I promise no moon...I promise no stars...I promise to be by your side in your darkest hours....

Yes, this is a pledge of a lover...not to another but to oneself...a lover of self !

Sounds strange...isn't it ? 

You are so much in love with the outside...you are always ready to go the extra mile for your loved ones...you work hard for your loved ones...you are kind to them in their tough times...you are always so compassionate towards them.

But amidst all this, do not forget to take notice of how you often treat yourself, especially during the difficult days, when your internal monologue is brutal.

You don't do yourself any good when you engage in

- reprimanding yourself
- self deprecating thinking and behaviour
- putting unrealistic pressures on yourself,
- focusing on your weakness rather than your strength
- focusing on what you did wrong instead of what you did right

So pledge the same love to you that you so strongly pledge to others.

TO YOURSELF,

Promise strength,
Promise health,
Promise compassion & care,
Promise to forgive yourself
Promise to stress less
Promise to set boundaries
Promise to achieve the forgotten dream
Promise to give yourself the best
Promise to try your best 
Promise a life you have always wanted to live for yourself! 
 
And most importantly don't forget to keep the promises you make to yourself ! 

Today, I promise to love myself a little more!!

What are you promising yourself today?
 
"To love oneself is the beginning of a life long romance!" - Oscar Wilde

It's Time To Own Your Feelings!

SAD...GLAD...MAD...BAD...

At a fundamental level, that's how our feeling oscillates during the day. Feelings are fleeting by nature and we can't hold onto any one of them beyond how long they have to last. And how long they last are a combination of external and internal factors. But to a good extent, we can always control the longevity of an emotion/ feeling.

  

Emotions/ Feelings keep occurring in different shades and all that they need to get triggered is a stimulus (internal or external). The stimulus could be big or small, real or imaginary, internal or external. And that's what makes the world of emotions so complicated!

There is a dire need to understand how emotions/ feelings operate at a basic level so that we can be in control of our actions(mental or physical) while addressing the emotions. Being aware of our emotional state is how the entire process of emotional well-being starts. 

Talking about emotions/ feelings in a personal context, here's a small check to gauge the level of our awareness about our emotional state.

Here are the three important pointers:

We experience them all but do we actually feel them? 

we know there's something happening within us, at a physiological or psychological level but do we take the effort to recognize that and understand what's happening inside us. It makes sense to move beyond the level of awareness and into level of recognizing the impact of these emotions/ feelings.

Do we own them and accept them as part of our being or we treat them as something external/ outside?

For reasons known and unknown, at times, we tend to pass on the responsibility of our emotions/ feelings to external factors. Alienating ourselves from our feelings is not going to alleviate them. Rather it will only make the things worse. No one can force us to feel a particular way unless we give ourselves the permission for the same. 

Do we treat them as lasting or transitory?

Research says that most emotions last for only 90 seconds and beyond that its us who let these linger on for as long as we allow them to (through some stimuli or triggers). If we can manage to recognize an  unproductive feeling within 90 seconds of its occurrence, we stand a better chance to avoid its negative impact on us.

A quick self-check on the pointers mentioned above gives a good insight into our perception of emotions/ feelings and this goes a long way in determining the state/ status of our Emotional Wellness. The moment we start to accept our feelings is when we start to treat them as integral to us, something that's an undeniable part of our personality. Once acceptance is in place, the next stage of "addressing the emotions" becomes much easier.

So, first things first - "Have you started to own your feelings?"

Series on Emotional Wellness - Five DON'TS of "Feelings"

Feelings are a tricky lot and unless addressed appropriately, they can play real havoc with our overall wellness. Feelings evoke a range of responses in us and most of the time, our ability to nail the feelings effectively hinges on understanding of our current emotional zone. The first step towards sound emotional health is knowing where we are stuck in our journey of emotional wellness and then preparing ourselves to take that leap towards experiencing our feelings in fullness. I share about five such emotional zones that we may find ourselves in, and the sooner we move out of them, the faster would be our journey towards Emotional Wellness.

In this post, I present these "emotional zones" as "Five Don'ts Of Feelings" 

DISMISS -This is where the tendency is to shun/ rule out the very existence of "Feelings". Citing a variety of reasons, some people don't believe in or relate to the concept of feelings and end up lost and confused when feelings hit them hard some day. It's an irony that the modern work culture of "busyness" professes the necessity for good emotional health but rarely encourages us to adopt it as an integral part of our lifestyle. Thinking that feelings do not exist cannot deny the fact that they are integral part of our personality and manifest as natural responses to external stimulus/ trigger so dismissing them is not a possibility ever.  

DREAD - I came across the term "feelings phobia" and that got me thinking about how so many of us tend to fear the very existence of "feelings". Some of us dread it so much that we let this phobia trigger in us a range of unproductive feelings and then end up surrendering to them (unproductive feelings). As it is said that we give more power to the thing when we fear it and same goes for feeling too. The more scared we would be about the existence/ presence of feelings, the more vulnerable we would become to triggers (events, circumstances, situation and people) that may trigger unproductive feelings. 

DISCOUNT - We do ourselves great harm if we do not accept the "feelings" in its full magnitude. Different feelings manifest in us to varying degrees (based on a variety of factors) and experiencing the feelings in their full intensity is the only way to maintain our emotional health. Imagine, what will happen inside us if we notice that a feeling is manifesting inside us at a score of 8 or 9 (on a scale of 10) but we address it or respond to it by putting it at a score of 4 or 5. It's anyone's guess that in such a situation and with that type of response by us, our body will never be able to completely relax and will always be in a tense and tight state.   

DUMP - This is a convenient approach where we cease to take responsibility for our feelings and resort to "buck passing". The objective here is to simply vent out our reactions/ overreactions onto  easier targets and put the blame for our unproductive feelings on some other person or the circumstance. In the long term, this tendency leads to never taking responsibility for anything in our life and ultimately losing grip on it. For every happening (primarily the not-so good types) in our lives, we have scapegoats in place to put the blame on. This may lead us to relinquish self-responsibility in favour of acquiring a "victim mentality" trait. So, let's watch out whenever we find ourselves blaming external people and circumstances for things happening in our lives. 

DELAY - Avoiding to experience feelings for a later time does more harm than good. We may think that the unproductive feeling will subside if not catered to for some time, but it does not happen that way. To prevent ourselves from falling prey to this tendency, we just need to ask ourselves - "Can postponing something important benefit us and leave us more balanced or productive ?" . The resounding NO from within (inner voice) would be a reminder good enough to prompt us to avoid postponing the "experiencing of the feelings" lest they might grow in magnitude and grow out of proportion for us to handle them. 

So, to sum up 

• Do Not Dismiss (Rule Out) Your Feelings
• Do Not Dread (Fear) Your Feelings
• Do Not Discount (Bring down the Intensity) of Your Feelings
• Do Not Dump Your Feeling on Others (People and/ or Circumstances)
• Do Not Delay (Postpone) Your Feelings

So, if you find yourself in any of the above emotional zones, the immediate step should be to let yourself experience the "feelings" fully ! 

Series on Emotional Wellness - Avoiding Thinking Traps

There are times when certain events or incidents in our lives results in a downward spiral for us and makes it difficult for us to come out of it. Finding ourselves in a rut, we struggle hard to be positive and productive. When we brood over to find the reason for the debacle, we can easily conclude that it was merely a negative thought that triggered this domino effect (negative) and adversely impacted us, in terms of feelings and behaviour. Considering the fact that we get a large number of thoughts in a day (if experts are to be believed, we get over 50,000 thoughts in a day), it's easy to fall prey to negative thoughts and lose ourselves in gloom and doom.

Breaking this "thinking trap(negative)" is crucial for our healthy and productive existence because of the established connection between Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviour (Actions). A negative thought has the potential to impact us emotionally, so, the sooner we become aware of these damaging thinking patterns of ours, the healthier we will be emotionally and holistically.

Among the many thinking errors that we commit, i have handpicked few important ones that hugely impact us during crisis, because crisis is a time when we become quite tentative in our approach toward events and situations. Recognizing these thinking errors that are listed below will lead us to become more rational in our outlook and approach to life and events.

The five such thinking errors are :

• Overgeneralization : This happens when we arrive at a conclusion based on a single occurrence of something. We start perceiving that things will go in a particular way/ direction because it has gone so once. We tend to lack any rationality during overgeneralization. The moment we start inferring from a specific evidence is when we start falling prey to overgeneralization and this happens more during crisis because of the strong influence of negativity around us. Example - Failing in an exam, interview or a venture, once or twice leads us to doubt our capability and we start to engage in thoughts laden with "always" and "never". Thoughts like "I am always making a mess of things" are indicative of overgeneralization.

• Mental Filter : For whatever reasons, when we start to observe/ notice something specific and dismiss everything else is when we fall trap to the thinking error known as mental filter. When we operate with a distorted framework of life, fraught with bias, we may only allow negative information to reach out to us. It may also result in us magnifying such information to suit us and that may prove to be very detrimental for thinking rationally. Example - Taking the same context of a venture, exam or an interview, when we focus only on what we couldn't manage to do instead of what we could is when we start to perceive things through a negative lens.

• Catastrophizing : When we find ourselves engaged in "worst-case scenario" thinking and imagine  about how worse things/ situation could get. we fall prey to catastrophizing. What's wrong about this type of thinking is that we completely ignore the status quo, which may happen to be good or not-so-bad, and keep our thoughts focused on the worsening of the situation. Example - A fight with a friend or disagreement with boss may result in thoughts as "I will lose my job" or "I can never develop a trustworthy friendship". 

• Polarised Thinking : When we find ourselves thinking in extremes about people, situations and events, we suffer from polarised thinking. It's like "Black & White" or "All or Nothing" thinking, with no middle ground, such as "good or bad", "right or wrong", "positive or negative", and so on. This type of thinking may push us into other thinking traps as well. Example - Thoughts like "None of us will survive this crisis" or "I have to get this right else it's no use at all" are indicative of Polarised thinking.

• Emotional Reasoning : This is all about believing that what we feel must be true. The feelings we undergo at any point of time is how we perceive the things to be. For example, in case we feel anxious, we think that anxiety is what everyone else would also be undergoing. Example - During a crisis or difficult times, we tend to get overwhelmed and thoughts like "Since I am feeling anxious, the situation must be anxiety ridden".     

These thinking errors inflict more damage during time of crisis, when uncertainty and fear grips us and we struggle for hope and optimism. One of the key reason we fall to these thinking errors is our brain's disposition towards finding shortcuts to help us during decision-making and problem solving. Factors like our belief system and life experiences also contribute to us committing these thinking errors (topic for an altogether different blog post). 

(Related Article : Cognitive Biases - Braving The Brain Barriers ! )

What's more important during this time when we recognise ourselves fallen to the thinking trap is to ensure taking appropriate steps to address these thinking traps. Few steps that could help

• Accepting the thinking error in us
• Validating it with sufficient evidence 
• Identifying the source of the thinking error being committed  by us
• Detaching our personal opinion from the ensuing thoughts triggered by an event/ situation
• Building multiple perspective to the situation/event 
• Building more rationality in our thought process  

Watch your thoughts before they get better of you !

N.B. :

• The images used in the above post have been sourced from the internet

Series on Emotional Wellness - Know The Basics

Before embarking upon building or enhancing emotional wellness, it becomes imperative to gather fundamental understanding  of all the key aspects related to emotional wellness so that our efforts are put in the right way on the right elements. Emotional Wellness is not merely a concept but a way of life and is closely connected or related to other areas of Wellness, be it Physical, Mental, or any other. So, when we talk about Emotional Wellness, let us talk about it from a holistic perspective.

Before I define Emotional Wellness (EW), it's important to understand the fundamental difference between 2 very important concepts/ elements, which we often use interchangeably. These are Emotions and Feelings. Each of the two mentioned concepts is by itself an area of separate and deep study, and there's ample of research that's being done in each of the 2 mentioned areas. So, for the sake of simplifying the concepts for the readers, i attempt to provide a basic level distinction between the 2 (based on the online research done by me for the purpose)

EMOTIONS are

• responses in the brain that generate biochemical responses/ reactions in the body
• primarily stimulus triggered
• coded in the genes
• common to all (to a large extent)
• and are fewer in count (though there's no single agreed upon number, some research puts it at 4, while other research puts it at 6, 15 and so on.

FEELINGS are

• mental constructs that we create
• personalised 
• triggered by emotions
• shaped by our memory and experiences (learned behaviour)
• of many types, ranging in various degrees

It's never easy to provide a proper distinction between two intertwined concepts/ elements and all the more difficult when to a layperson, the fine distinction appears blurred. A simple example to illustrate the difference is when we perceive a certain scenario, situation or event as a threat. If it happened to be primitive times, then coming face to face with a wild animal would qualify as a real threat (to our life/ survival). Whenever faced with a threatening situation/ event, the emotion of  FEAR is the one that gets triggered and starts a biochemical reaction in the body. (The emotion of FEAR has been existing from primitive times and this establishes the "common to all" trait of emotions). Our response to this emotion of Fear is termed as FEELINGS and this is very personalised, totally driven by our belief system, thinking, experience and memories. Few may respond to Fear by way of freezing (unable to move/ react at all), few may respond by way of flight (running away, literally or otherwise) and few others may respond to Fear by way of Fight. Our reaction i.e. FEELINGS are like the meaning we assign to the occurring/ occurred emotion and this could vary in degree too from person to person.

Now, let me share the three key elements of Emotional Wellness and they are EMOTIONS, FEELINGS and THOUGHTS. These 3 interconnected elements, when addressed properly, determines Emotional Wellness

To define Emotional Wellness, i will take a broader, comprehensive and a holistic view and define Emotional Wellness as the ability to effectively manage the three key elements - Emotions, Feelings and Thoughts.  How well we are able to constructively respond to events/ situations and effectively managing these three interconnected elements. By effectively managing, the reference is to finding constructive ways to address them so that they (emotions, feelings and thoughts) aid our emotional and overall well-being, leaving us more rational and balanced. 

Why Emotional Wellness is so important for us ?

When we talk about life-balance, work-life balance or holistic wellness, one of the key aspect that we need to pay attention is that of gaining better understanding about self and others. Being Emotionally Well or Healthy enables the individual to not only recognise his/ her reactions to events and then manage them constructively but also recognise the same in others and manage them constructively to improve the interpersonal relationships. 

Emotional Wellness has a direct impact on an individual's self-esteem and self-confidence and an  emotionally healthy individual is more equipped to be successful and happy than an emotionally unhealthy individual.

Key Steps For Emotional Wellness

The three key steps to build Emotional Wellness are

• Awareness of the Emotions/ Feelings, where we sense that something is happening/ occurring
• Acceptance/ Acknowledgement, where we embrace what is happening inside 
• Address, where we take take constructive actions/ steps to manage the 3 different elements of Emotional Wellness.

References

There's a great deal of deep research being carried out in the area of Emotional Wellness and the above post is just to provide a brief introduction to the concept and a fundamental distinction between Emotions and Feelings. I have referred to multiple resources on internet about the subject for my article and the following 2 resources have helped me provide structure and shape to my article   

https://thebestbrainpossible.com/whats-the-difference-between-feelings-and-emotions/

https://www.laughteronlineuniversity.com/feelings-and-emotions/

N.B. :

• The images used in the above post have been sourced from the internet

Announcing Blog Series on Emotional Wellness

Many a times, when we talk about Holistic Wellness, there's a component that's not paid much attention to because of its subtlety. This component is the foundation of a healthy life, which goes much beyond the visible component of Physical wellness. This "ignored" component is of Emotional Wellness.

Haven't we all, at some point or the other struggled in our personal and/ or professional lives, because of an inability to express ourselves or express ourselves appropriately ? This inability may have its roots in some ingrained fear/ phobia or lack of acceptance/ acknowledgement about the need to express ourselves. The repercussions of this "inability" is so serious that it could render us confused and messed up in our lives, where we may struggle with relationships, both with self and others, and end up being a failure in life.

When i was growing up, we were never taught about the importance of Emotions in our life, neither at home not at school. I don't blame it on either because that's how our society has dealt with the most delicate but the most important element of our personality i.e. Emotions. It was only when i experienced situations and scenarios in life, where i felt at total loss in expressing myself that i realised the importance of Emotional Wellness. I learned it the hard way repressed or inappropriately  expressed emotions are equally dangerous and both need to be addressed. But here i am now, much more now aware about what it takes for reaching Emotional Wellness and all set to share about the topic in my upcoming blog series on "Emotional Wellness".

The learnings and knowledge i have gathered through my personal experiences (both directly or vicariously) , i bring to the readers in an easy-to-digest posts. I would cover the following in my posts on the topic

• Basics of Emotions & Feelings
• Fundamentals of Emotional Wellness
• Importance and Impact of Emotional Wellness on various areas of our life
• Key Models/ Theories on Emotions/ Emotional Wellness/ Emotional Intelligence
• Strategies, Techniques and Methods to achieve Emotional Wellness

So, gear up to join me on this exciting journey of becoming Emotionally Healthy and living a well-balanced life :) !